Do This And You Won’t Go Through Divorce

happy family

It’s well known that for the last several years, the divorce rate in the United States is 1 out of every 2 marriages. What isn’t well documented or articulated is why. Why is the current trend of over three decades of divorce holding at such a high rate? Here’s one possible and real answer: Couples do not put one another first.

Marriage was designed for our pleasure, but it was also designed to expose each person’s flaws. I consider that the ministry of marriage. Those flaws are more easily seen by your spouse than yourself. Conflict is created, maintained, and increased when each spouse denies and declines responsibility for his or her own actions. Intimacy is increased when at least one partner takes active responsibility for himself or herself. This is especially important to couples who have been married for three years or less. Such couples have the highest divorce rate because they didn’t learn how to be married- how to put one another first.

Even as couples make it past the all-important first three years of marriage, marital drift becomes the next major challenge to overcome. Marital drift is when one or both spouses become too involved with their kids, work, hobbies, volunteering, etc. Energy, creativity, dating, love making and other important pursuits within marriage are neglected.

To get your marriage on the right pathway, at least one person in the marital dyad must be willing to confront himself or herself about changes that need to be made Schnarch, 1997). And most of those changes can be accomplished by putting one’s spouse first. Often when one person makes this effort, the other partner is willing to follow the lead. If not, the marriage reaches a critical point where divorce or separation become real possibilities.


Passionate Marriage: Constructing the Sexual Crucible: An Integration of Sexual and Marital Therapy. Schnarch, D. 1997. Henry Holt & Company. New York.

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